


star wars meta

by dilfanakin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode V: Empire Strikes Back, vent book - Fandom
Genre: fuck star wars, i am so sad and gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-02 21:52:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14554302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dilfanakin/pseuds/dilfanakin
Summary: Star Wars is an American epic space opera media franchise, centered on a film series created by George Lucas. It depicts the adventures of characters "a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away".





	1. i am livid. absolutely livid.

Hello.  
I am so upset.  
Why the fuck cant i stop thinking bout fucking star wars it is 2018 and i know that means nothing because star wars is still pop culturally relevant but still it sucks fucking penis right now so why the fuck is it on my mind everyday  
The other day i was just fucking sitting on my bed and i was thinking of all the ways Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017) couldve been fucking improved  
I cant believe how hurtful this stupid fucking franchise is  
Its a fucking space opera the name sounds fucking stupid it shouldnt be making me cry  
Not to sound like a prequels apologist but the prequel trio is never coming back and george fuckface made sure they didnt get a single good fucking movie that is so fucking upsetting  
I just picked a zit on my scalp and it was more transcendent than star wars’ recent content  
I cant believe the important story that the prequels ahd to fucking offer was demoted to movies with the clunkiest dialouge ever and cgi up the fucking ass not to sound like a dudebro but what the sweet jesus fuck the phantom menace is literally the worts mlvie ever made  
I dont even care about spelling words correctly at this point this is literally a vent book  
I just got over a bad fucking cold and what did i do still suffering from said cold on yesterday may thr fourth? Watch the whole original trilogy of star wars WHY DI ID I DO THAT  
HAN LUKE AND LEIA ARE EVER OMCING BACK  
I cant belive hans movie is gonna suck absolute fucking cock tbhis is so fucking biphobic they didnt even cats a good lead whatever if the side charsacters suck can u at least get a good han but u know what the fucking sad part is IM STILL GONNA SPEND FUCKING MONEY ON SOLO  
YALL IM GONNA SPEND MY FUCKING MONEY ON THIS MOVIE AND IM GONNA PRAY THAT AT LEAST A FRACTION OF MY COIN GOES INTO DONALD SKINNY GLOVERS EQUALLY SKINNY POCKETS  
Oh my god the prequels sucked  
Thats really the lasti g impression of the fucking prequel trio huh  
Not to sound like an anakin apologist but more people would like him if the movies didnt fucjing syck  
Luke skywalker  
I cant bkleieve hes never coming back  
RIAN HONSON SI SO BFAT LETS DOSCUSS THAT  
I SPENT MY MONEY TO SIT IN A THEATER FOR 2 AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS NA D WATCH RIAN JOHNSON SPEW REYLO META AT MY FACE  
REYOLS ARE RAMPANT NOW  
THYE ARE EVEYRHWRR  
MY HAND IS STARTING TO FUCKING CRAMP THIS IS RIDIVULPUS  
Oh y, god rian doesnt know how to write in the slightest what the fuck  
Literally he had like 4 pointless charxcters and he sidelined finn anf rey and lukes characterixation was completely fucked for the sake of yall previous baby ben solo uwu  
The day i get ou tmhy uwus for kylo fucking ren is the dya that god comeds down from the fucking sky and picks us all for fucking judgement day  
Im on page fucking 2 of this bull shit  
I could be doing fucking constructive  
But i vant eve rfucking fo that because im alwyas thinking about star wars  
I CANT BELIGEE THE LASTING LEGACY OF LUKE SKINNY LEGEND SKYWALKE RIS THE LAST FUCKDI 2017 YALL REALLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT THE MAN WHO PITIRED VADER THE MOST NOR=TORIOUS VILLAIN I N THE FUCKING GALAXY RIGHT AFTER HE FOIND OUT HE WAS HIS FATHER, WOULD TRY AND KILL HIS FUCKING NEPHEW, THE CHILD OF HIS BEST FRIEND AND HIS SISTER, BEACSUE HE SENSED A LITTLE BIT OF DARKNESS? AR EU FUCKING SHITTING MY RIAN  
I DOTN THINJK HE WATCHED A SINGLE GOD DAM FUCKING MOVJE  
I told myself  
I was taking a break for sw  
Because it sucks  
So then tell me  
Why its still on my mind  
Every  
Goddamn  
Day  
What the fuck  
Were not even getting a death scene for leia  
Thats not really star wars fault but what the fuck  
If rian hadnt have killed luke it owuldnt be as big fo a deal  
BUT THEYRE ALL GOME  
STAR WARS HAS ONLY MADE LIKE  
5 REALLT GOOD MOVIES  
OUT OF NIUNE SOON TO BE TEN  
THATS ONLY FUCKING HALF  
AND YET DO I EVER STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS FRANCHISE?  
NO NO I DONT  
I THINK ABOUT TI EVERY GOD DAM DAY  
NOW MY QUESTION IS  
HWY SI THE SWEET FUCK IS THTA  
THE TREATMEN TOF THESE LGBT SOLIDERS IS REALLY JUST HURTFUL AT TIS POINT  
HANS LEGACY? SOLO: A FAT FUCK STORY (2018)  
LUKES LEGACY? STAR WRAS :THE LADT FAT FUCK (2017)  
THE PREQUEL TRIOS LEGACY? HI IM GEORGE I WRITE SCRIPTS WIHT M PENIS  
LEIAS LEGACY? BEING FUCKING SKINNY  
NOBODY IN THE SW CATS LIKES THE LAST JEID  
EXCEPT MAYBE KELLY AND I THINK ITS JST CAUSE SHES TOO EXCITED TO CARE  
IM PRETTY SURE RIAN JOHNSON SPIT ON JOHN BPYEGA AND CALLED JIM THE N WORD  
I DONT HAVE CONCRETE PROOF OF TI YET BUT I AM IN COORESPONDENSE WITH OSCAR ISAAC I BELUEVE HES SENDING EM A VIDOE  
I cant bleuve my hope in this worht not a dman thing franchise lies on these three big bitches whos characterization is going down the fucking toiler and the man responsible for doing so is wriitn g a who,e new fucking triolgoy afte r ep 9 and i can alreayd see what its gonna be finns gonna die a horffic death by lynching and poe is gonna blow up while attending a pride festival meanwhile kylo’s gonna be hitting rey from the back and we’re gonna hav to see it for 2 ffukcing hours theres literally gonna be a whole movir dedicated to it and chewie? Im sure he’ll be fine  
Ic cant beluve that no matter what this franchise does to me im gonna continue to s[end money on it and devote my time and my daily thoughts to it thta the most depressing thing ev r  
Whats even more sad is i wrote these 3 pages in a good 20 minutes and i could be writing an aacutla essya  
Before anyone asks no im not drunk  
Juts really sad  
And nerdy  
And gay  
Why doe sstra wras hate gay peipke  
Luke breathed in a breath of twink air  
He was chilling  
Buliding rock houses  
Fishing the wrong wayw

Wat the fuck  
YALL FREALLT MADE LUKE GOOD FOR NOTHING  
YALL REALY MADE REY GOOD FOR NOTHING  
I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE THIS FRNAHCISE FUCKING SUCKS BUT ILL NEVR STOP THINKING ABOUT IT  
This is fucking depressing  
That clarkeorganas sw edit literally wont leave my head the on e thats like doodod its true all fo it i love you liar you were the chosen one lightsaber swish i am ur father luke screaming no rey screeaming no it made me cry it gave me chills this supid franchise does so mcuh to me why the fuck  
The word count on this is probably ridiculous  
I think im do e  
In conclusion  
Fuck solo  
Fuck the last jedi  
Fuck rian johnson  
Fuck george lucas  
I hope han solo is having a good day in hell  
I hope ep 9 does me right before the new trio ends with the reylo wedding  
Omg i just realized stormpilots never gonan ahppen either  
I JST REMMEVERE KYLO IS HAN AND LEIA SSON  
WHAT THE FUCK DID THEYD O TO DESERVE THTA  
BE SKINY?  
PIT ON BLUE LVIES?  
HAN WAS REALLY MURDERED Y HUS OWN SON AND QHAR DOES HE GET?  
A SHIT MOVIE  
WERE ON PAGE FOUR  
WOW  
I cant get myself to stop typing  
Theres sommuc to sya  
Okay  
Im done  
In conclusion  
I wish star wars would leave my brain  
And the fact that im gonna conti ue to to spend money on ti for the rest of my life is quite frankly obese  
Han solo leia organa and luke skywalker are the skinniest bithces that ever walked the galaxy  
Rian johnson can eat ym ass  
Reylo can eat my ass  
Maggie really gave me an invtation just so i can post this  
If i anyone read this im sorry  
The last jedi is one ofthe worstfilms ever made  
Esb is one of the best films ever made  
Goodnight  
User fuckabitchnamedsw signing off


	2. fuck solo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i wish solo: a star wars story (2018) was scrapped

im posting a new chapter of star wars meta because solo is amking me mad  
why are yall acting like this movie is gonna be good because bread woman emilia clarke is gonna be in it  
what the fuck  
qira literally moved to the side once and yall are acting like its transcendent  
why the fuck does qira have stans  
if anyone in this god awful shit storm deserves stans before it comes out it should be lando  
if emilia clarke wasnt in this yall would still be saying it would be ass  
which it will  
u guys fucking suck emilia clarke cant even fucking act  
shes gonna do like 2 badass things and ya'll's dicks are gonna combust  
i talk a lot of shit about this movie even tho i know im gonna spend money on it in a few weeks  
but u know what? at least im not a fucking qira stan  
im just gonna use this book to vent about my star wars feelings because no one else cares  
this is like a diary  
if i had a diary it would be this  
in conclusion  
i dont care about qira with a fucking sword  
because who cares  
she has a ponytail okaycool?  
i can get a sword and wear my hair in a ponytail im brunette and white is that all i need to do for stans  
thats all qira needs to do  
so for all of u who are hyping up qira  
fuck u  
lando is skinny fuck qira lives  
thats all i gotta say  
user fuckabitchnamedswbutsolospecifically signing off


	3. learning how to paddle in a canoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> go gina is playing right now this song is good u know whats not? star wars

Good morning my chinese fans  
I just finished writing an actual essay and considering i already had google docs open, i figured id write about more star wars feelings im having   
Because for some fucking reason, im always feeling something for it  
Wonderwall is playing how fitting  
Okay so like  
It kinda just hit me on this, gods day, that im never seeing the original trio again  
And like ive been knew  
But like today i was just sitting on my bed  
And it like. Hit me like Really hit me  
Im never seeing thos biggies ever again  
Carly rae jepsen just came on i took a minute to dance  
Now back to the other gay thing iwas doing  
Ive had like plenty of time to process it at this point   
So i dont know why im just now thinking about it  
But like. Why the fuck am i never seeing them again  
Hans death actually made like. A lot of sense  
And it makes it really hard to fully redeem kylo and all of dat.  
So like im not too mad about that like i still miss that fattie and i miss hanleia more than anything but like at least his death had a fucking purpose  
But we would not be in this situation of not seeing the orginal trio ever again if rian didnt fucking kill luke  
And for what reason.  
So that there could be some kind of emotional reaction to his pathetic fucking film.  
And like was lukes death scene beautiful? Yeah yeah it was  
But was it like. One of the only good scenes in that movie? Absolutely.  
And should that be the case? No it should not  
Like. i know me not seeing leia again isnt star wars fault duh  
But like if rian didnt kill luke for no fucking reason it would be less of a fucking blow  
The original trio is the only fucking part of this universe where the charatcers were written consistently and perfectlhy   
And theyre like. Fucking gone for good  
This is less funny than my usual chapters which at this point is fucking 2 but ive genuienly got some thoughts   
I cant fucking beliebe lukes dead  
Like at least he died peacefully   
What he deserves  
But like that moves fucking nothing  
Because rey didnt bond with him at all lol  
And leias gone now so what does that do for her  
And even if she wasnt, what is losing her final fucking relative gonna do lol  
Her life already fucking sucks rian  
Also  
The star wars fandom is such a sad fucking place right now  
Like the only people that are still devout are reylos   
And all the people with taste have started talking about other shit because duh  
Its so shitty right now it makes me so sad  
I cant believe rian goes to sleep peacefully at night  
I bet hes the type of guy that has a glass of white wine before bed   
I bet he reads the fucking newpaper is bed  
And has a shitty lamp  
I JUST REMMEBERED HE HAS A FUCKING BOOK ABOUT HIS EXPRECNE WITH PROSTATE CNACER  
I WISH IT TOOK HIM OUT WHEN IT HAD THE CHANCE  
WHY DO WE LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE CANCER KILLS GOOD PEOPLE BUT RIAN JOHNSON BEATS IT   
Thats probably too insensitive   
I honestly dont care anymore he ruined my life its what he deserves  
I hope leias detah is good  
Whatever they come up with i hope she dies in a good wya  
I cant beliebe i ewont even get a deatj scene  
Im pretty sure rian killed luke to get a jumpstart on taking down the gays  
He might not eve be dead he might just be trapped in his basement where he keeps his collection of candles he made himself  
He seems like that typa guy  
I cant believe that whole era of star wars is fucking gone  
I was hoping to at least have them for all 3 movies  
I cant believe when i see ep 9 im not gonna see fucking any of them  
Thats so. What the fucl  
I feel like its gonna be comparable to that feeling when chuck e cheese isnt magical anymore  
Which it never was but being poor creates an incomparable illusion  
I bet rian johnson worked as a chuck e cheese mouse once  
Seems like a job hed be good at  
For once cause hes not good at anything  
Hans death is so fucking sad  
Like i cant believe kylo calle dhim a bad dad  
I bet he was fucking chilling  
Ill be ur daughter han  
I wont stab u  
My sisters wondering what im writing she doesnt wanna know  
I just remembered im gonna willingly spend money on solo soon  
This franchiser has me by the neck and im sad about it  
Hope u enjoyed this spontaneous chapter  
In conclusion, i miss when the sw fandom was a generally fun time  
And i miss the original trio i cant believe im never seeing them again  
I cant believe how ass the last jedi is  
I wish rian johnson died before he got his hands on star wras  
I hope ep 9 is at least somewhat good  
Thank you for listening yet again  
User imisshanlukeandleia signing off


	4. LANDO LIKES MEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I FEEL LIKE THAT VIDEO OF THE MAN GETTING ELECTROCUTED WITH THE IMMIGRANT SONG IN THE BACK

HELLO I JUST WANTED TO TALK ABOUT HOW IT JUST GOT CONFIRMED HTAT LANDO CALRISSIAN LIKES MEN HES PANSEXUAL THE GAYS CONTINUE TO FUCKING WIN THIS YEAR  
LANDO: MICKEY VOICE I JUST EVERYBODY HERE TO KNOW IM FUCKING GAY  
THIS IS ALSO THE FIRST LGBT CHARACTER IN SW IT HAPPENED LIKE 30 YEARS TOO LATE CAUSE I THINK WE BEEN KNEW SINCE HE FIRTS SHOWED UP AND WAS EWEARINF A FUCKI GN CAPE BUT IM FUCKING SLAYING RIGHTNOW  
MAYBE SPENDING MY MONEU IN SOLO WONT BE THE MOST STUPID THING IVE DONE SINCE I ACCIDENTALLY HIT MY 3RD GRADE CRUSH IN THE HEAD WITH A HANDBALL AND DID NOTHING BUT RUN AWAY  
I CANT BELIEVE THIS THIS IS THE BEST THING SW HAS DONE FOR ME IN A WHILE  
THANK U SO MCUH  
USER LANDOSFUCKINGHESYEAH SIGNING OFF


	5. solo wins a participation award

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to hate solo.... walked out kinda chilling..... this chapter is dt'd to han's fur coat

hello gays  
yesterday was the start of pride month and i celebrated by spitting on the gays by seeing solo  
im kidding it was actually chillin gi just saw a joke sitting there and i took it  
also not a ingle item of clothing i wore was fully clean that really says something  
so solo thoughts  
it was a fun time!  
it was more authentically sw than tlj that says so much  
rian really cant do anything huh  
just want yall to sit and think about how the man who directed the live action version of how the grinch stole fucking christmas directed a movie with a more authentically constructed sw universe than the last jedi  
wish alden's han didnt genuinely get me on my uwu's  
i love that stupid whre  
hes genuinely a whore why was he fucking q'ira and flirting with lando at the same time whore  
also i cant believe han just never stops thinking about everyone he encunters like he was searching for q'ira for that long and when finn was like you knew luke? he replied yeah inknew him like hes been thinking bout him everyday for years whats wrong with that man  
also lando got kinda robbed of screentime thats so homphobic racist ableist  
i cant believe hes canonically a vlogger and has a closet full of capes he weighd nothing  
q'ira was eh as i suspected  
and the last like 30 minutes were weird  
but my uwu's were out most of the god damn time  
and i cant stop thinking about mr han solo  
i cant believe a lin ein solo gave me full body chills thats how im living right aqbout this second  
ALSO CHEWBACCA WEIGHS NOT A DAAAMN POUND I KNOW HES A 7 FOOT TALL PROBBALY 300 POUND WOOKIE BUT HE DOESNT WEIGH A POOOUUUND  
alos hanlando is so. WOOOOO ya know  
theyre such pioneers for gay rights i know lando posted on hsi ig a whole paragraph about pride month han cant post hes dead but he had a nice gay time in hell  
anyways in conclusion, solo wasnt AS ass as i thought and as luke skywalker once said in the last jedi (2017): where's han.


End file.
